My hopes to escape dialysis were dashed this week when a second opinion confirmed that I need the treatment. I was disappointed but not surprised. Actually, what I had really wanted was to escape the challenges involved in a transplant since I have no intention of continuing dialysis forever.
I had seen so many miracles on my journey through rehabilitation following an amputation that I was ready for another in the case of my kidneys. The disappointment didn’t shake my faith but it did wise me up a little. Thinking about the situation I came to the realization that God had never lifted anything completely off my shoulders but he had given me what I needed in order to do what I needed to do. The amputation journey was full of amazing blessings but it was still an amputation and still a journey. Building on that experience I am certain that God has a wonderful plan for my kidney problem but I also recognize it is a real problem and God’s plan is, once again, going to be a process.
As I look back over where God has led me so far I see many gains and few losses. The biggest gains have been self-discovery and self-confidence. I know who I am now in a way I did not know myself before. I see my faults clearly but I have also found strengths I either didn’t have or didn’t know I had. I have a deeper faith in God but along with that a sense of personal competence that is new to me. I’ve gone through pure hell but because of that, I’m standing tall today not on two feet but on one foot born of nature and one foot born of faith in God and in myself. That second foot is by far the stronger physically. But it’s also a new foot not aged like the other and because of that it doesn’t bear the weight of what I used to be but invites me to dream of what I can be and do today and tomorrow.
Before the amputation, I prayed fervently that God would spare me from the road I faced. Today I embrace that road because I know that what I call the journey is nothing other than life as it is meant to be. Life is full of challenges because it is by facing and overcoming difficulties that we grow. There’s not a lot of going on when things are easy. My prayer now is simply that God would continue to stay close to me every step of the way and would give me what I need in order to make the most of the opportunities he has set before me.